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The silence is almost deafening.

The boys have stopped asking when you’ll be home. I thought that would be easier, but it isn’t. They just go on, living their life, even though they know they may not see you for a while. I wish I could be that naive. Ohh I envy their innocence!

I prayed for the relationship between you and your birth mother, almost daily. I knew the hurt you felt and I wanted it to go away. So I would ask God to help mend it, to keep her clean, strong and on the right track. No one should have to deal with all that you have, especially from the one person who is meant to protect you from evil. So I prayed, that you would forgive her, even though there was never the words ‘I’m sorry’ spoken, that you would be able to have the relationship with your sisters you so desperately wanted, that you would not be so anxious and nervous when we went out. Never would I of thought that this was Gods plan, to rip my family apart to save hers. But I do trust him and I still pray for you every day, and her, every day.

I’ve asked people to stop showing me your posts, the hurt is too much too bear right now. Not just the comments about how amazing she is and how much you love her, how you would not be where you are today without her, but the way you seem to be putting yourself out there. It’s like we don’t even know this new person, the girl we raised for so long has disappeared. Maybe she’s still here with us, our happy, smiley girl that I could wrap up in a hug, no words needed just the hugs, always just the hugs. I wish I could go back in time so I could have just one more.

I want to see you shine and soar my girl, that is all I ever wanted. So whether it is here or there, please just never stop reaching for the sky, you are worth so much more than what you think. You are someone special my beautiful daughter, who ever comes into your path is effect in so many ways by your presence and their life is changed for the better, all because of you. Just like me, 14 years ago I crossed your path and I’ve been changed ever since.

 

Isaiah 41:10

Deuteronomy 31:6

NF – Let You Down (Is my freakn jam right now!)

 

It has been a year today since we made a decision that changed our lives for the better.

It seems so much longer then just a year, we are committed to this new way of life now and there is no looking back. I never once saw us in this, but once you feel the love and joy and hope and faith it takes you away and you never want to come back. It’s so easy to get lost in life, with all the negativity and shaming everywhere. To have somewhere safe, non-judgmental, positive and loving to go each week for our family is defiantly the highlight of our week.

Yesterday I learned forgiveness. It is one thing I have always struggled with, once you’ve hurt me or my family I’m like a crazy mumma-bear who holds that grudge for life. Changing the way you think is hard, but yesterday I gave this all away and forgave.

When you would talk bad about me, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you would make things up about me just to boast yourself up, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you would lie about the things you would say to me, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you would show messages from me but neglect to show the ones you sent first, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you would say the most hurtful things to the one you are meant to protect and love the most, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you continuously lie to that same innocent person, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you always put yourself first never once thinking about others, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you said ‘you’re a piece of shit’ and other nasty words to that innocent girl, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you called her fat and put her down with other hurtful words, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When we see you dote and love on others instead, it’s ok. I forgive you.

When you act like you were the one abandoned and the ‘victim’, it’s ok, I forgive you.

When you said that I deserved everything that happened on the 17th July 2014, it’s ok. I forgive you.

 

Forgiveness and love is the key to happiness.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.                                                                          1 Corinthians 13:4-6

 

Holding on to all the hate and anguish is hard, the people who hurt you don’t care, they don’t walk around with it on their shoulders each day.  They continue their life not thinking twice about what they said even though it was so truly hurtful for you.

Today I feel lighter, happier, free.

 

This person I am today, I don’t know her and I don’t like her. I used to be happy always, enjoy my children, I loved to listen to their stories,  I loved to cuddle and kiss my husband, now there is this black cloud over me, stormy and grey. Always there, when I’m forcing that smile and awkward laugh, hoping no one will notice, when I drift away mid conversation forgetting what I was talking about, forgetting what I was doing. Checking facebook instagram emails trademe, trying to think about anything but the pain inside me.

I never understood people who cut themselves, until now. I feel I long for actual pain, pain you can see as well as feel. What’s inside of me doesn’t seem real, but it is and it’s there from the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep. I have no idea how people deal with this, it creeps up on me, when I’m feeling a bit of genuine happiness it will take over and make me remember that everything can be taken away in a second, minute, hour.

It seems unfair, I have to question ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ but then I remember my awful teenage years, it must be that right? It has to be the reason why this is happening to me, because of all the hate and hurt that was there then. I was told this magic little pill will help, I’m still waiting for it to help me, I guess some days it does and I can get on with life. But then all of a sudden there it is when I open the door, and I want scream.

The anger and sadness is right there wanting to come out, all the time. It’s tiring keeping it inside, it’ll sneak out in bits, mostly when things don’t go the way I want them too. At stupid times, like when I put something on the bench and it falls onto the ground or there are no clean teatowels in the draw, because I didn’t do the washing, all my fault. I feel like it’s draining every bit of me.

Trying to be a good mum with all this in my head is challenging, I wish there was a magic cure. Being pulled in every direction by tiny humans that rely on me for every little thing is one of the biggest challenges, how do you look after others when you feel you can’t even look after yourself? I’ve never once said I’m ‘perfect’, no one is. We all make mistakes, and we will always try better next time.

I’m not going to try be a perfect mother, I’m going to try to be a good one.

All I ever wanted when I was a little girl was to be a mum, a mum to boys to be exact. I remember my cousin LeeAnne having twin boys, Zachary and Jonathan. They were only around 28 weeks, I remember being excited, excited to meet them and cuddle them. My innocence as a kid coming into play, babies aren’t meant to die right? But that’s what happened, Zachary at birth and Jonathan a couple of months later.
From then on all I wanted, well actually needed, was a baby boy doll. My nana searched everywhere for one, finally finding my baby Jonathan. She knitted him a special little outfit, I was obsessed. Thinking back now, after being through a similar thing, my cousin LeeAnne was so strong. She didn’t need to be, but she was. I’m in awe of her!

Growing up I never forgot my love for that doll. I still have him in my cupboard, I will pass him on to Marleigh when she is old enough and I hope that she will love him just as much as I did. (Chanelle did play with him for a bit, but being a tomboy didn’t care for dolls and ended up drawing on him!)

When I met Adrian I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The way he was with his gorgeous little three year old made my heart melt. He of course being a 19 year old had so much confidence, a fun loving nature and carefree attitude about life. Except when it came to his daughter, he was always in dad mode when she was around, forever putting her first. He had this kind of charisma about him, everyone knew him and loved him.

I was 16, young and dumb I would say. Meeting Adrian changed my life for the better. I had to be responsible and put my big girl panties on! My parents instantly fell in love with him, even with his tattoos, goatee and missing tooth (hahahaa!!). Meeting my grandparents, he was instantly part of the family and they always said he was a keeper.

We did stupid things, like move in together straight away and  only a couple of months later he asked me to marry him. Everyone must of thought we were crazy, but we both knew what we wanted and that was to be together forever.

Trying to plan a wedding so young was hard, nobody really took you seriously. I loved the idea of getting married at 18, the same age my mum was when she married my dad. I really think they were the only ones who really got it, being there themselves. Half way through the planning, with deposits paid and my dress being made I fell pregnant. Much to my parents horror!

 

And this the start of my journey to becoming a mum..