This person I am today, I don’t know her and I don’t like her. I used to be happy always, enjoy my children, I loved to listen to their stories, I loved to cuddle and kiss my husband, now there is this black cloud over me, stormy and grey. Always there, when I’m forcing that smile and awkward laugh, hoping no one will notice, when I drift away mid conversation forgetting what I was talking about, forgetting what I was doing. Checking facebook instagram emails trademe, trying to think about anything but the pain inside me.
I never understood people who cut themselves, until now. I feel I long for actual pain, pain you can see as well as feel. What’s inside of me doesn’t seem real, but it is and it’s there from the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep. I have no idea how people deal with this, it creeps up on me, when I’m feeling a bit of genuine happiness it will take over and make me remember that everything can be taken away in a second, minute, hour.
It seems unfair, I have to question ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ but then I remember my awful teenage years, it must be that right? It has to be the reason why this is happening to me, because of all the hate and hurt that was there then. I was told this magic little pill will help, I’m still waiting for it to help me, I guess some days it does and I can get on with life. But then all of a sudden there it is when I open the door, and I want scream.
The anger and sadness is right there wanting to come out, all the time. It’s tiring keeping it inside, it’ll sneak out in bits, mostly when things don’t go the way I want them too. At stupid times, like when I put something on the bench and it falls onto the ground or there are no clean teatowels in the draw, because I didn’t do the washing, all my fault. I feel like it’s draining every bit of me.
Trying to be a good mum with all this in my head is challenging, I wish there was a magic cure. Being pulled in every direction by tiny humans that rely on me for every little thing is one of the biggest challenges, how do you look after others when you feel you can’t even look after yourself? I’ve never once said I’m ‘perfect’, no one is. We all make mistakes, and we will always try better next time.
I’m not going to try be a perfect mother, I’m going to try to be a good one.
she's like a star.. 